It’s been a while since I’ve written in this, mainly because life has been going nonstop and I haven’t had much of a chance to just sit and write without any distractions. Life is a bit of a mess right now in more ways then one and I feel I need to get some things of my chest.
For one, we are living in a freaking global pandemic right now! Say what? The Corona virus has pretty much turned all our lives upside down and as a result I am facing one of my biggest fears at the moment. Before any of this happened, I remember thinking just how draining it is for me when I have to sit at home with the kids all day long, without even the chance to leave the house or take a small break from both of them. Well…..guess what? That’s exactly what is happening at the moment. For almost a month I have been stuck at home with two little kids and no opportunity to ever just be on my own, even for an hour.
I have never appreciated small trips to the store or an errand run more then I do now. Even going to the store is a huge cause of anxiety for me and the last time I went I almost hyperventilated within 5 minutes of entering the store. It’s pretty disappointing and the timing couldn’t have been worse because I was just getting my life back on track. I was on a roll with finishing my real estate online course, working out 5 or more times a week and eating very well eighty percent of the time! Now I have reverted back to the times when I was fighting with my mother, eating all the junk food, watching TV shows until late at night and drinking a bottle of champagne after the kids have gone to bed. I am not proud of it but I am doing what I need to do to survive right now.
Also, I have never appreciated teachers more then I do right now. I have been trying to incorporate some teaching activities here and there, mainly out of fear that Izzy will fall behind but it’s proving very difficult, especially with Izzy’s personality. She doesn’t listen to me at all and when I ask her a question after explaining the answer in detail, her only response is, “I don’t know, can you tell me?”. It drives me nuts, feels like pulling teeth. I am not the most patient person but I’m pretty sure Izzy is on the rather extreme difficulty scale. She is a smart girl, she’s just unsure of herself and even though she excels in school, she does not do the same with me. I have started incorporating videos and activities that her teachers have started posting from their homes and also ABC Mouse but that’s about it for now. I suppose it’s better then nothing.
When all of this happened, I was in such denial about our new everyday life that I also stopped progressing in my real estate course, I just wanted to nap instead after staying up super late to binge watch my current TV show. I have started it up about a week ago again and it has definitely been helping to keep my mind off other things. It doesn’t help that Izzy asks me for a snack about a million times during my study time and needs help with fixing something on her computer but I have sort of gotten used to it at this point and it doesn’t irritate me nearly as much as it used to.
The only thing that’s really keeping me sane at the moment is our new puppy that we got, Olivia. It’s actually a pretty remarkable story and having her was our undeniable destiny. About a week or maybe two before our state went into lockdown, when nobody realized just how serious this Corona virus was yet, I got this intense feeling in my gut that I needed a pet. Sure, we already have a dog named Stella but Mike is her human and she mostly keeps to herself. I am very in tune with auras and energy and it was clear as day to me that the time was NOW. Even though I haven’t even thought about having another pet since we got Stella, I just knew that there was a pet out there that was meant to be with us. So we went to Petland that weekend just to look and I fell in love with a tan, lilac colored beagle puppy that I was ready to purchase and take home even though I refuse to purchase puppies from puppy stores. However, when they told us that the puppy was 5,000 dollars we knew that there was no way we would be able to afford a puppy that expensive. So, disappointed, we went home empty handed. Afterwards, I started looking on my phone, just searching for available puppies and the different ways you can get them delivered, since making a long trip to a breeder was just not possible for us. I came across a service that day named PuppySpot, where they list available puppies from respectable breeders and then help you every step of the way, from answering any questions to making sure the puppy makes it through the flight safely and to your home. On this website I came across a lilac beagle named Olivia and fell in love. Her blue eyes chose me and I made the purchase then and there, without even seeing her first. A week or so later we picked her up from the airport and she has been the best decision we could have made, especially at the present moment. I didn’t know we would be in quarantine when I was getting her but she has been my saving grace, the therapy dog I so desperately need at this very moment. She is a great dog and is thriving at home with us. I’ve never cared much about the Beagle breed but she found us and now I am obsessed.
On the other hand, my mom and I are not doing so well right now. My mom brought her own condo half an hour away a few months ago and it’s been great not having her live with us all the time and always picking me apart. However, when she was coming by to visit, she was still berating me and pointing out everything that she felt I was doing wrong. Well, about two weeks ago she came over and helped with the kids. After spending two days here, she was supposed to leave after letting Mike and I go to the store to get some food essentials and such. This is the trip that kicked my anxiety into high gear and when I came home I was exhausted and just wanted to relax on the couch with some alcohol to take the edge of a little. Well, my mom undermined my anxiety problem and basically told me that she thinks I am making it all up and that I should have grown out of it by now. I know she is going through a hard time and has a lot of stress herself but this really pissed me off. I answered in a bewildered tone, “Really mom? Just like you grew out of all your psychological shit?”. Her only response was to pack up all her things than and there and leave, without even saying goodbye to her kids. Well, it’s been two weeks and I still haven’t heard anything from her, not even a stupid text. It’s beyond upsetting to me that she can’t put aside her ego and her past issues with me to be there for me and the kids when we need it most. It’s like I did something so unforgivable that she can’t even stand to look at me anymore and that’s nonsense because I was not in the wrong here. I am sick of being the one who always tries to resolve the situation first and will bend over backwards to fix whatever conflict I’m having with a close person to me so I am waiting for her to realize her mistake herself and to contact me first. It’s been very difficult and my insides hurt just thinking about her betrayal but I will not give up, I am taking my power back. If she’s this petty, then she obviously doesn’t have her priorities straight and there’s no one that can help her except herself.