The Spoon Incident

I have decided that since my relationship with my mother has been the longest and is obviously one of the most significant, if not the MOST significant one, I will start delving into my psyche with her. And the first thing that popped up was a seemingly unimportant incident that I realize now was actually MAJOR for me, as a young girl trying to figure out this thing called life and navigate its rocky waters.

Even though my mother’s bipolar really took off when we moved to America and she started navigating her relationship with Yuri, I remember instances that could point that she was dealing with it even back then, when we were still living in Russia, before our big move. One of my earliest memories was actually sitting at the table, at my grandma’s apartment, eating something and asking her if she could get me a utensil to eat it with. It’s important to point out that my aunt was there as well since she lived there with her family too.

Now being the little girl that I was, I remember vividly her answer as it made a huge impact on me back then and gave me a sense of possible future things to come. Her answer was, “Why? Get it yourself!”, and the way she said it, it was almost like there was a hint of pent up anger in there or some kind of frustration or something. I remember feeling so upset and hurt, it wasn’t like I was some spoiled, rich kid who’s parents did everything for her, it was actually quite the opposite.

Now, this next part gave me a sense deep down that my mom was a bit different from other kids’ moms. My aunt, seeing the hurt written in my face, in turn looked at my mom and responded with, “Why can’t you give her a fork? Is it that hard?”. I remember feeling a really intense sense of gratitude towards my aunt who literally treated her own kids as if she was their personal servant and did EVERYTHING for them, even if what they asked her to do didn’t come from the best place.

I don’t remember what happened after that but it occurred to me only recently that this is the perfect symbolic description to show how my mom is versus how my aunt is. I am not saying that all moms are as helpful as my aunt but most of them don’t have the edge that my mom has had for as long as I can remember. I don’t know if it was dealing with life or her own personal problems but it seems to me that many times she was unnecessarily strict or curt with me or just had an unnecessarily tense tone that she used.

She must have spent her whole entire life on edge because it definitely affected the way she dealt with me a lot. Many times she would be downright mean to me or talk to me in a mean way and then would later apologize. It’s alarming to me in the present moment because I find myself doing the same thing to my kids and fiancé sometimes. I understand why she did it because being in that much emotional pain, I can relate now that I’m older and also hurting on the inside.

It’s like you don’t mean to do it but something possesses you and you just can’t control your attitude or your general feelings overall. I am trying desperately to deal with the emotional trauma that has been the root cause of this because I don’t want my kids growing up in fear of me or how I will react/act day to day.

In Pursuit of a Lightness of Being

Life is slowly progressing, moving, seemingly in the right direction. There have been a few disagreements here or there but nothing major since the huge blowout we had in the end of last year. However, even though things have been slowly improving, I haven’t quite been able to get rid of this feeling of dread in myself, almost like a weight that is pulling me down from the inside. It’s like I can’t enjoy things fully, not really just enjoy them without a hint of sadness always there, always reminding me of past or even present pain.

I mentioned this to my therapist, even though I had a hard time trying to find the right words to describe what exactly I was feeling and she gave me hope, told me that I am not the only one who feels this way and actually said that it is quite common, at least amongst her clients. When I asked her what I can do to help myself break free from these emotional restraints, she said that I need to confront all the instances where I have ever felt sad, upset or any other kind of strong, negative emotion. Next, came the part that really opened my eyes, she told me that in order to be able to truly move on I have to allow myself to feel the emotions that these instances bring up in me, which undoubtedly were brought up when they were actually happening.

As human beings, we are really good at suppressing things deep inside and all that negative energy can manifest itself into different symptoms for each individual. For me, I find myself in a state of permanent emotional drainage and this in turn affects how much energy I have and how I am able to go through life. Because of all the mental pain that I always have, I lash out at my fiancé for the smallest things and make him the scapegoat for the psychological pain that I am enduring every moment of everyday. In the past I did this to my mom as well but since she is the root of the majority of where my psychological problems stem from, I have quickly learned that that just causes more problems and further psychological trauma and I have enough to deal with already. More then enough.

So, what I am trying to say is that for the unforeseeable future, I am dedicating this blog to aid me in my journey to heal and work past all my trauma that I have acquired in my 28 years that is obviously still holding me back from living my very best and meaningful life. I will be taking a very personal journey into the recesses of my mind and will be bringing up experiences that have molded me into the psychologically anxious person that I have become in order to then, feel it all over again (cry, scream…etc) so that in turn I can let it go and become free of it forever.