Free Fall

Do you ever feel like you were walking and then all of a sudden the floor is ripped open from under you and all of a sudden you are in free fall, not sure which way is up and which way is down? Well, that’s exactly how I feel right now.

Ever since the big fight with my mom and my fiancé transpired, things were a bit rocky at first and then gradually, they started to get better. We were quite a ways away from being back to how we all used to be but we were on the right path. Today, all of that changed.

There have been some fights here and there but I’ve been working hard on how I react to things and haven’t allowed those fights to become anything more then just arguments in their initial states. However, I am human and sometimes things just trigger me and I can’t help but snap.

Growing up, my mom was often snippy and curt with me and at the time I thought it was just out of nowhere or that I have messed up in some way or other. Well, now I know better. All thoughtout her life, she was always going through something stressful and these things would take a toll on her nervous system and as always, I was the scapegoat. At this point her nervous system is so fried that I am not even sure we can ever get to a good place again considering we can’t even seem to be able to calmly talk things out without her hyperventilating or screaming her head of or crying buckets.

At the moment we are going through something particularly difficult, especially for my mom. My grandma is not doing well with her cancer and she is all the way in Russia so it’s extremely stressful. We are all coping with this in our own way.

Today my mom announced to me that she will be delivering the renewal passport applications to the post office, weather I’ve done them or not. She has been asking me to fill it out for a few days already but since I rarely have a moment to myself without kids climbing on me or making a mess somewhere, I wasn’t able to get it done. In response, I asked her if she could hold off for one more day to which she got angry and replied with a firm no. Oftentimes my mom gets these notions into her head and she needs to do something NOW. And even if it came out of nowhere and somebody isn’t ready, she will make that person sorry they failed her so horrifically. And don’t even think about trying to reason with her, that’s a language she is not accustomed to and will just say that you are bullshitting, even if your reasoning is on point.

So, after the kids are done with school and naps, she storms down demanding her stapler, which apparently I’ve misplaced or lost and for which she is pissed off at me. After I find it, she is working on putting all the applications together and makes one of her negative remarks. I think in this instance it was something about her not being able to live with us anymore and how she is going to move out. I’ve heard all of this so many times before and at this point I usually just roll my eyes and walk away but something prompted me to continue the conversation. Perhaps it had something to do with my desire for everyone to get along and my undying hope that we can fix this and should do anything in our power to do so.

I ask her a question about when we are going to talk about our fight and something triggers her to reply in a very mean and negative way and from there things just took on a life of their own. I tried to talk about things in a very calm and understanding manner but I was met with nothing but ridicule and negativity. She started hyperventilating and freaking out like she does when people don’t say things like how she believes them to be and screaming like a banshee. I was terrified for my kids to have witnessed a person literally be driven mad for no legitimate reason.

Then all of a sudden, at the height of her tantrum, she sees the kids and says out loud, “she is a blank space, don’t pay attention to her. She is just baiting you.” I stood there in shock, all I wanted was to have a calm talk with her and I wanted to be heard by her, finally, for the first time in my life. She proceeds to ignore me as I’m pleading with her to talk to me and to hear me out. At one point I try to get her attention by standing in the doorway and she literally pushes me and I am slammed against the wall.

And this is what really pissed me off above everything else, as she is ignoring and killing me with her treatment towards her own daughter, she talks to my kids as if nothing is wrong. As if their mother isn’t coming apart at the seams, sobbing her head off and wondering what she ever did to deserve that kind of disregard for her as a human being. This really upsets me and I go up to her and say, “Oh no, don’t talk to the kids as if nothing is wrong when you can’t even pay attention to what I am trying to say to you.” Her reaction of, “really?”, totally does me in because it’s unbelievable. They are a part of me and Mike and you have some kind of personal vendetta against us that you can’t get through? How about you work on that salvaging that relationship before the circumstances turn out dire for everyone.

She left, slamming the door and telling me that she is moving to a family friend’s place. This kind of hurt is unbearable. If it wasn’t for my kids, I would not be able to stay on this earth and continue living this nightmare. I think it’s true what they say, we were put on this earth to fulfill a purpose and I think mine has to do with overcoming my relationship with my mother and either healing myself from her or something like that.

She keeps saying that what Mike did to her was unforgivable but I’m pretty sure that everything short of murder is forgivable. It just goes to show how important mental health is, once it’s out of balance and damaged, you can’t really get it back. I am beyond fearful that at this point, especially with how far things have progressed, that we can never fix what has been broken. My mom is who she is and it’s extremely difficult for her to open her mind up enough to see things from others perspectives.

This incident has stressed me out beyond anything and at this point I am realizing that getting a house together with my mom has been a dire mistake and at this point it’s more of a curse then anything else. I need to be able remove myself from her to be able to be truly happy but that’s not possible in the current circumstances. I pray that God will give me the strength to get through this and to ultimately deal with this once and for all. I can’t go on living like this, I just can’t.

And I realize, I did not handle the situation in the best way possible either but I am only human and there’s a kind of hurt you just can’t tolerate no matter how hard you try. At this point, I just need to focus on working through the damage that has been caused so that I do not repeat the same thing with my daughter.

Insecurities and Accusations

Wow, what a productive session we just had, especially the last 30 minutes of it. For the first time since this whole incident with the car I feel hope that we can eventually all move foreward from this and have even a closer/stronger bond with each other. I was not feeling like this at the beginning of the session but I definitely feel like this now.

My mom is still downtown, staying at her condo, so we had a three way Skype session which didn’t start off too great. I found out earlier that my mom was still stuck in the whole, “throwing things that she’s done for us in our face when we’re going through some sort of conflict” thing. Basically, the accusations that Mike made against my mom, weren’t really based on fact and conspired mostly because Mike got upset and had a lot of negative feelings to communicate towards my mom on behalf of himself and me as well. Let me point out that my mom and Mike have never had a direct conversation with each other in that way.

So, she can’t move on from this whole incident because she feels that we are using how much Mike is worried about me and my relationship with my mom as a bandaid to not discuss and talk through specifically the accusations that were made against her by Mike. What she is finding difficult to understand is that Mike didn’t mean all the accusations he made against her because she doesn’t want anything like this to happen in the future. I don’t know what it will take for her to understand that Mike actually didn’t mean what he said on account of her and what he accused her off. It seems my mom is not believing many things that we are saying and trying to communicate in terms of this whole fight, which is actually not very new for her because she doesn’t believe most of the stuff I say anyways.

Halfway through the session, she got really upset about me bringing up her saying little “remarks” in a passive aggressive way and how much they hurt and bother me. She actually got so upset about them that she outright left the session and I was just one-on-one with Lisa at that point. That last half with Lisa was really helpful though and I was able to understand where my mom is coming from, at least partially. I can understand her getting upset by me bringing up her little remarks because she’s been working hard to improve this and not do it as much. I have seen an improvement in her doing it less definitely, it’s just something that was inevitably brought up during the huge blow out argument because things tend to come to the surface when emotions are running high.

Lisa also brought up a very good point, that what usually triggers us and makes us more emotional or upset in some way, usually happens because it addresses something in ourselves that we are either insecure or feel negatively about in some way. For example, my mom’s remarks about me being a bad mom really hurts me more then anything else that she says does because I am insecure in my own success or failure as a parent. Being a mom has by far been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through or do in my life and for this reason it’s still very new and I am trying to figure things out as I go along. I question myself all the time, “Am I doing enough social things with the kids?”, “Do other moms struggle as much as I do?”, “Are my kids hindered in some way because of how many temper tantrums they throw daily?”…..the list goes on and on. My mom actually wanted back into the conversation but Lisa called her at the end instead to share what I shared with her about how I feel about being a mom.

All in all, it was a very good step in the right direction and I hope that we just keep making progress towards improving everyone’s interaction and relationships with each other. Also, we came to the conclusion that Mike needs to be part of these sessions as well because he is a big part of this family and can benefit from this as well.

One of a Kind

It’s Monday today and also President’s Day which means that my fiancé is at home today as well. This puts me in a very good mood because I had the most lovely weekend and it’s not even over yet. On Saturday we went to Izzy’s gymnastics and she loved every minute of it, even listened to the teachers one hundred percent of the time. That might not seem like a big deal but Izzy is the most stubborn and hard headed toddler I have ever come across, she would never do anything until she was ready to do it herself and it was more of her idea than anyone else’s. This is why she’s not potty trained yet but once she puts her mind to something, she will get it pretty quickly. She is definitely one of a kind.

Yesterday we went to the mall and enjoyed ourselves immensely even though Izzy was bossing us around and not allowing us to seperate and look in seperate sections of the store. That’s our girl. Also, Izzy’s temperature has been all over the place this weekend, at least it kind of seemed like it. It has been the weirdest thing, I would take her temperature and it was slightly elevated then I would take it again ten seconds later and it was totally fine. Made me scratch my head a few times and I don’t even know what to think anymore. On one hand I am freaking out that this has to do with her previous fevers and urinary reflux and yet at the same time I’m not even sure if she had a fever to begin with. Either way, I am going to look only on the positive side and I know that Izzy is fine and will kick this childhood fever issue in the butt.

My mom hasn’t been home all weekend and even though I have enjoyed not having someone hover over me and always tell me to “clean this” or “do that”, I miss my tv buddy. My mom and I watch all the same shows and we like to spend time together during the weekend, drinking wine and watching shows once the kids have gone to bed. I couldn’t even bring myself to watch the new episode of True Detective because that’s a show that we watch together and I don’t want to go on watching it without her. I wish she knew how much I cherish that time together and how much I wish we could do it without any ill feelings towards each other or any misunderstandings that sometimes come up during it. It’s like a win-lose situation, I like being able to relax but at the same time I wish we could watch our stuff and hang out together. I must have checked the garage about twenty times since she’s been gone because I thought our garage was opened and she was home.

Also, I have done what I set out to do and I am extremely proud of myself for this. I have an issue with getting laundry folded and hung during the week because the kids make it impossible with me having to watch them and then multitask with the laundry at the same time. So, I washed all the laundry on Saturday and then went upstairs and folded it yesterday, so there’s no more clothes laying around in the laundry room. And I did this all without any prompting from my mother.

I know that she is going to be home soon because we have a joint session today and I am nervous to say the least. I just have no idea where her mind is at and I am just praying that this weekend away from us has been good for her and she has finally calmed down and has realized that our fight is ridiculous and that it’s insignificant at the end of the day. I actually just took Izzy’s temperature just now and it seems she has one so I am extremely concerned and could care less about this mess with my mom. I am so fed up with Izzy and her constant fevers, they just don’t go away for good. I mean they’ll go away and then come back, it’s inevitable.

She is on antibiotics for her Urinary Reflux but perhaps there’s something more here. We have an appointment tomorrow with a special kind of doctor for her, so hopefully we’ll get at least another clue as to what’s going on with her and why this keeps happening. Once you have kids, worry takes on a whole new meaning. I have never stressed about anything in my life as much as I’ve stressed about my children and particularly Izzy’s recurrent fevers. I’m just praying we can overcome this and can find out what’s up with these and why they keep happening.

Kill Them With Kindness

I have another joint session with my mother and our psychologist tomorrow and I am dreading it, mostly because I have no idea what is going to happen and if any old wounds will be reopened that will upset my mom even more and for an even longer period of time. I can barely stand her being so cold and distant right now, I don’t know how much longer I will be able to handle it before I will be forced to numb all my feelings completely.

The assignment was to write down what we feel the other person is still resentful of towards us. I am not sure how long this list will be but I am going to do a bullet pointed list, with brief explanations if need be.

Okay, so here goes…….

It is my understandable belief that my mother resents me for:

  1. Not establishing myself in my career after I graduated from such an expensive University as Loyola, that she paid for.
  2. Getting pregnant before I was well established with a career and able to be 100% independent.
  3. Settling and having children with someone like Mike, who is obviously a bit rough around the edges.
  4. Not being as fearless and open to new experiences and obstacles in life when they present themselves.
  5. Not being smarter, more of a go getter…..etc. Basically not being someone more like her.
  6. Being my father’s daughter and not Yuri’s, since Yuri is more successful and his daughter is better off in life right now then I am. It just seems like his daughter has personality traits that I completely lack.
  7. Holding her back from being able to “live” her life as she wants to live it.
  8. Not taking what she says as law 100% of the time and questioning her ways of thinking versus mine.

I know that I will probably be able to think of more as time goes on but those are the ones that stand out to me in my mind right now. My whole life I grew up not feeling good enough, mostly because my mother is in a class of human being that is almost all her own. She came here with me from another country and established herself while raising and supporting me without much help whatsoever. I often look at her in awe because I am certain I wouldn’t have been able to do that if I was in her place. She just has these qualities of a go-getter and of someone who needs to keep going, needs to keep moving forward and doesn’t need to take many breaks at all or maybe she just refuses to take any. And as amazing as that is, it sounds exhausting to me just thinking about it.

On the other hand, I have always judged myself for lacking in qualities where she so obviously excels. I often wish I would have been Yuri’s daughter or at least would have taken more traits from her and less from my father. It seems that the only trait I have taken from her is her sensitivity and heightened emotional state. In the past I have seen myself in a completely negative light and thought that something was wrong with me because I saw myself with these qualities: moodiness, pessimism, laziness, stupidity, unattractiveness….the list goes on and on. I knew I could never live up to her expectations because I was so different from her and I wished so badly to be more like her.

It’s taken me time but I don’t see myself all bad anymore. Sure, I might not be like my mother in many ways but that’s okay because I am my own person and I have many amazing qualities regardless. Weather or not she resents me for all of the things I have listed above, I don’t know but what I do know is that just because I am not more like my mom doesn’t mean I am a bad person and it doesn’t mean that I am a bad mother, daughter, fiancé…..etc. And after this long I have finally realized that my mom isn’t perfect either and she has many qualities that are negative as well. I just wish she didn’t put me in the same box that to her equals perfect or better even. I think it’s another example of how rigid her worldview is and how she shouldn’t compare apples to oranges.

I definitely resent her for some things as well but I am ready to let go of those negative feelings so that they stop holding me down and preventing me from living my life to the fullest, whatever that word means to me. I am curious what her answer to this homework assignment will be though because we have not budged since the initial fight. She has left and hasn’t been home for over a day now and is being very immature in her text message replies. It’s okay though because I am being the bigger person and am replying with nothing but kindness and love. What is that saying? “Kill them with kindness”, definitely very relevant in this specific situation and I know that eventually it will start to rub off. That and maybe she’ll realize that there’s a bigger picture here, instead of focusing narrowly on this particular situation, seeing how much more is at stake here and what really matters and what doesn’t. There are grandchildren involved now for Christ’s sake! Nothing much can compare to that in terms of level of importance. Perhaps she needs some time to understand that.

Shades of Grey

Just had a rather unproductive session with my mom and our psychologist. I’m really not sure how we got to such a bad place that even one session can’t solve much at all. And to me, even having a joint session with a third party present to help see the situation from an unbiased view is kind of a lose-lose situation. Mostly because my mother has said in the past that I am an expert liar and that I even found a way to manipulate Lisa. Honestly, to my mom everything is a conspiracy against her. But that’s okay because I know myself enough now to know that the only thing that’s different is that I am actually comfortable in my own skin and I have confidence in myself. Things that my mother used to say to me don’t hurt or touch me much anymore. The only thing that sometimes gets to me is when she tells me that I am a bad mother which is ridiculous because I am not a “bad” mother, I am just an overwhelmed mother most of the time and need to catch up on some sleep.

Part of our problem is that she sees the world in black and white and I see many shades of gray. I mean, after seeing how far we have come as human beings and what kind of things now exist in the world, how can you say that there’s only one way to look and see something? My whole entire life she ridiculed me for looking at things differently and whenever I have tried to communicate my stance on something, she would start rolling her eyes and calling me stubborn, stupid or just a little kid who wants to argue facts. For this reason she never listened to me and once when we had a joint session with Lisa in the past, I was literally choking on my own words because I was not used to being listened to or to even have a chance to communicate what I was feeling/thinking…etc. How messed up is that? I’m pretty sure something like that is enough to mess someone up pretty bad for the rest of their life.

In this instance, we were still nowhere in agreement as to what exactly happened to the car and “why” it broke so badly in the first place. It was a lot of “she said”, “he said” and pointing the finger. And here is a perfect instance of seeing a lot of shades of gray. Why? Because we all have different perspections of the same event. We weren’t all there when she was driving it, so who knows, she could have not been paying attention herself, could have been preoccupied with something else…..etc. And who’s to say then who is right and who is wrong? It’s all perception and I’m just glad that our psychologist understood me finally. I can finally think more logically and remove the emotional part of myself in certain situations I could never do that in before. And that is a pretty amazing accomplishment.

It’s also astounding because we just came back from taking Izzy to gymnastics class and this is the first time the car has been driven since it was supposedly fixed, and guess what? The engine light is back on which brings up the question- were the mechanics even component to begin with or did they just not care? I don’t know, my mom said that she went in and made sure to tell them to fix everything so that her grandchildren can be safe in this “run down” car, so then why is the engine light back on? She was also so smug during the session when she told Lisa that the mechanics where she took the car said that the car breaking down had nothing to do with 4-wheel drive and that a certain part of it snapped because it hit a bump and could have happened when anybody was driving it. Hmmmm, that’s odd since that very part only exists to help run the 4-wheel drive. Man, I don’t want to bring it up and cause even more conflict but I might bring it up in our next session with Lisa if I get the chance.

Also during our session Lisa made it a point to tell us not to point fingers and make accusations at each other. And as much as I totally agree with that, she used the example of when I tell my mom that she needs help because she’s mentally unstable. Yeah, maybe I shouldn’t say that directly to her face and I only ever do it very rarely when she’s already driven me to the point of no return but it’s true. And you know what I hate more? I hate the fact that she can’t admit that her bipolar is actually worse than she says it really is. On more than one occasion she told me that this is how normal parents act and that it’s nothing so out there that I am so messed up and broken because of it and that she needs as much help as I tell her she does. This makes me scratch my head because parents don’t talk like she does to their children, no matter what their children say or do, at least not the unabusive ones.

In the past she used to go off on me and say crazy things and then she would apologize but that’s gotten less and less. Sure, there are moments when she still does that but they are very few. And from all of that, how can someone say that something is either black or it’s white, that there’s no in between? You can’t possibly go through all this in life and be so emotional and not think that there’s more then just one way or one answer to anything in this life. Maybe she’ll realize it one day. We shall see.

Two Sides of the Same Coin

How is it that you can have the closest relationship with someone and also have the most fucked up relationship with the same person, at the same time? It’s like two sides of the same coin.

I am talking about my relationship with my mother here. I can recall having the best emotions in my whole entire life associated with her and can also remember vividly those emotions that were the lowest of the low. And she was the common denominator, she’s ALWAYS the common denominator. Our relationship has a factor of codependency to it and that takes things to a whole new level of crazy.

Let me give you some background info. We are originally from Russia and came to America, just the two of us, when I was only 7 years old. The reason was because the love of my mom’s life was in America and he realized that he couldn’t live without her so she packed us up and we moved across the ocean, away from every single family member. Things didn’t work out on that end but I was grateful to have established ourselves in this land of opportunity. It was worth the stress and tears, at least for me.

So as you can tell, being as we only ever had each other, we relied on each other completely and depended on each other for everything. However, the move to America and my mom’s strenuous relationship took its toll on her and she was diagnosed with bipolar very early on. For those who don’t know, it means she gets a high where she has tons of energy to do everything and starts all these projects and then all of a sudden she will hit a low, and this low is worse then any kind of low that people with good mental health experience. Emotions attached to these two extremes are heightened and much more intense then is usual.

Today something happened that made me really upset and made me reevaluate my relationship with my mother for the millionth time in my whole entire life. About a week ago my mom took my car to pick up some furniture and in the process broke it, to the extent that it was completely destroyed and needed thousands of dollars worth of repairs.

What ensued was a drown out game of finger pointing and what I would call “the blame game”. It was argued that the car was already not in tip-top shape to begin with, that she was driving it in reverse when it was set on 4-wheel front drive…..etc. Both parties were at odds and disagreeing with each other, complete with a whole pile of hurt feelings as well.

If that isn’t bad enough, the day that it was found out that the car was not working and needed major repairs, my mom stopped talking to me for about four days. Now, if you know me, you know that I am the type of person who hates any kind of prolonged fighting or tense atmosphere surrounding the people involved. For me, I can’t really be at peace until the conflict is resolved and everything has been discussed and laid out on the table. My mom is quite the opposite, she internalizes everything until she can finally look at you again and even then, she won’t make it clear why she was mad at you in the first place.

I only found out later that the reason she was angry with me was because I just assumed that I was going to use her car from now on, in order to drive my daughter Izzy to Pre-K. It’s a habit of hers to “assume” what someone is thinking or what exactly someone means, even if that’s not what was said or even mentioned whatsoever. For four days I racked my brain, trying to understand why my mother was mad at me for something I had nothing to do with.

We were supposed to have a talk about the car when it first happened but she was seemingly so upset about the whole thing and it being even partially her fault that she couldn’t even be around us or see us or have anything to do with us whatsoever. Well, finally on Monday, after Mike texted her that we should talk about it because he wanted to use some of the money she gets from claiming me as a dependent on her taxes towards fixing my broken down car, we had the talk.

It began with both parties claiming that neither one of them was at fault because of various reasons and nobody wanted to back down. I sat in the middle, as I usually am in these situations, hiding my face with a pillow because the whole talk was disturbing and very upsetting to me. Then, my fiancé got a bit angry and started to raise his voice towards my mom because she has a tendency to play the “victim” and make everything extremely emotional and not about just mere facts. They had hit a wall and were not moving anywhere because my mother could not admit that she was partially at fault in this situation.

It started negatively and he was accusing her of not having to pay much whatsoever in terms of bills or the majority of the mortgage but he quickly apologized for saying those things and the conversation moved towards how he gets really upset because of the way my mother treats me. How she shuts me out because of her tendency of jumping into conclusions and exaggerating everything and makes mean comments towards me like, “You are a horrible mother and your children live in filth.”

Mike was saying that he wants us to talk to each other and to figure out our issues because he hates to see us like that and he apologized more then once to my mom for his previous outburst of anger. I was laying on the couch in tears, joy in my soul that Mike was finally telling her what I couldn’t tell her all these years, mostly because she never listens to me or takes much value in what I say.

After the conversation was done, I was praying we would be able to sit down and have a heart to heart but instead, she got up and walked away, shutting the door to her room behind her. I was flabbergasted but thought that maybe tomorrow would be better and she just needed some time to think about everything that was said.

Well, let me just tell you now that it DIDN’T get better. Oh no, on the contrary it got much worse. After I broke down because she couldn’t say “hi” back to me in the morning and instead just walked away, shit hit the fan. The pain that I have been dealing with so well and trying to keep at bay for a change, quickly bubbled to the surface and penetrated my whole entire body and soul. I couldn’t even workout like I usually do during my midday break because I was in so much emotional pain and decided to start a blog instead and maybe have a talk with a friend.

Things got even worse when my mom ended up taking Izzy upstairs with her into her room because Izzy knows how to manipulate us all and knows that grandma will give her what mommy doesn’t, like her phone. I was pissed off because you won’t talk or acknowledge me but you’re going to spoil my daughter and go against what I’m trying to discipline her with? I was so pissed. I know I shouldn’t have done what I did but at that point I was just beyond hurt and confused. So, I walked into my mom’s room and demanded she tell me what the hell I did because at that point I just couldn’t take it anymore.

There’s only so much one person can take before they snap. I was proud of myself for controlling my emotions before that but today just completely pushed me over the edge. My mom, full of hate and hurt in her eyes, told me that I was enjoying the conversation while Mike “tortured” her for all that time and that she is scared that he will kill her next time! Like, for real? He got mad, yes, but there was nothing beyond a raised voice. This is another instance of my mother taking nothing and turning it into something completely different and out of wack totally. When I told her that she was being ridiculous and not right, she told me that I am a liar and that if we want to talk to her she will need a mediator present or a recorder.

This all ended with her shaking and freaking out on me, screaming for me to get out while I was holding Nate in my arms and Izzy was laying on the bed next to her. As sad as this whole situation is though, I have been through these kinds of situations my whole entire life.

At first I was mad, so freaking angry, I wanted to tell her, “You know what, if you don’t move on from this and just let this ridiculousness go, I don’t need to let you see the kids anymore and we are done for good.” Of course, I didn’t do that because I am not that kind of person and once I calmed down, I texted her saying that I am letting all the negativity go and I hope that she can do the same. She is obviously not forgiving or forgetting yet, so we’ll just see what ends up happening. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a good outcome but you never know with my mom.

What baffles me the most is that she is willing to damage our relationship because of a five minute part of a conversation that lasted an hour or more. There are much more horrible things going on in this world and being bitter or holding grudges is just silly when you look at the big scheme of things. I hope she comes to her senses and sees that life is too short for these stupid fights and misunderstandings. Perhaps she just needs more time. Here’s hoping.