Slowly but surely, I’ve been working through the issues that I have with my mom and how she acts when a conflict comes up or something bad happens between the people living in the house. For her, she tends to close everything inside of herself and retreat until she can come out and face the other people head on. For me, I hate conflict and tension in the atmosphere, so I tend to want to fix the situation right away and talk it out to get everything out in the open and to clear the air. This has been a huge factor in the dynamic between my mom and me and how a conflict between us unfolds usually. I have often found myself driven mad by the fact that my mom needs days (sometimes even weeks) to work through it all and be able to face me again.
What I am starting to understand for the first time in my life, is that the bad things that might come out after a conflict has already transpired between us and my mom is triggered again by something, have nothing to do with me in any shape or form. They are merely issues that she is still working through and if she calls me a mean name or says I am bad in any kind of capacity, it’s just her dealing with her own inner pain in order to find peace. In the past, I have always believed that what my mom said to me, even when she wasn’t fully aware or in control of the logical and rational part of herself, was indeed fact and I internalized those negative and mean things about myself to be true, believed it with every inch of my being. Thankfully, I am working on not doing that anymore and it’s getting easier and easier.
I just had a session with my psychologist so I just got a lot of very useful and amazing insight into myself, my mom and my fiancé (Mike). It’s truly amazing how different we all are and how the different ways that we were brought up and the different experiences that we’ve all had have shaped us all completely different from one another, into completely unique and different kinds of people. Of course, I do believe that we are born with some qualities already instilled in us but as to how extreme or to what capacity those qualities are revealed later on in life, has a lot to do with our lives and the obstacles we have overcome/ how we dealt with them.
I have found that, as if it’s not already hard enough being the middle person between Mike and my mom, that I am rather malleable and can see many different sides of a situation and how it could make sense either way and this only contributes to my crisis in dealing with both and trying to not get in conflict with either of them. Most of the time I feel as if I am being pulled in both directions, by the two most important people in my life and I honestly hate this feeling. So why haven’t I just told them that “enough is enough”, and made them deal with each other on their own? It all goes back to my hatred of conflict and my inability to move on with my life when I am stuck in the thick of one conflict with someone that I really care about.
And then, it’s all completely connected. Because of my fear of conflict and growing up with a mother who has bipolar, it’s really made me very in tune with energies and people’s auras. I had to navigate my mom’s mood my whole entire life and for this reason I have developed a “survival skill”, in which I test the atmosphere and the flow of energy in the room before deciding how to approach my mom in this particular instance and situation. The funny thing is, that even though growing up with my mom has made me rather skilled at reading other people’s energy and aura, it has not made me that skilled at reading my own mother’s. It might have to do with the fact that she is unpredictable and her behavior varies so much but it’s frustrating because that would have saved me so many tears and emotions.
I did like that Lisa made it a bit more understandable to me, she said, “unpredictable behavior is still a pattern of behavior” and this really stood out to me. So maybe the reason I haven’t been good at deciphering my mom’s moods day to day and her particular energy is because what she does doesn’t have a pattern. Delving this deeply into my own mind and psyche has really just helped me open my eyes even more and see things I have never seen before about myself. We really are such complicated and intrinsic individuals and it’s truly extraordinary just how deep our thoughts and minds can go.