I have another joint session with my mother and our psychologist tomorrow and I am dreading it, mostly because I have no idea what is going to happen and if any old wounds will be reopened that will upset my mom even more and for an even longer period of time. I can barely stand her being so cold and distant right now, I don’t know how much longer I will be able to handle it before I will be forced to numb all my feelings completely.
The assignment was to write down what we feel the other person is still resentful of towards us. I am not sure how long this list will be but I am going to do a bullet pointed list, with brief explanations if need be.
Okay, so here goes…….
It is my understandable belief that my mother resents me for:
- Not establishing myself in my career after I graduated from such an expensive University as Loyola, that she paid for.
- Getting pregnant before I was well established with a career and able to be 100% independent.
- Settling and having children with someone like Mike, who is obviously a bit rough around the edges.
- Not being as fearless and open to new experiences and obstacles in life when they present themselves.
- Not being smarter, more of a go getter…..etc. Basically not being someone more like her.
- Being my father’s daughter and not Yuri’s, since Yuri is more successful and his daughter is better off in life right now then I am. It just seems like his daughter has personality traits that I completely lack.
- Holding her back from being able to “live” her life as she wants to live it.
- Not taking what she says as law 100% of the time and questioning her ways of thinking versus mine.
I know that I will probably be able to think of more as time goes on but those are the ones that stand out to me in my mind right now. My whole life I grew up not feeling good enough, mostly because my mother is in a class of human being that is almost all her own. She came here with me from another country and established herself while raising and supporting me without much help whatsoever. I often look at her in awe because I am certain I wouldn’t have been able to do that if I was in her place. She just has these qualities of a go-getter and of someone who needs to keep going, needs to keep moving forward and doesn’t need to take many breaks at all or maybe she just refuses to take any. And as amazing as that is, it sounds exhausting to me just thinking about it.
On the other hand, I have always judged myself for lacking in qualities where she so obviously excels. I often wish I would have been Yuri’s daughter or at least would have taken more traits from her and less from my father. It seems that the only trait I have taken from her is her sensitivity and heightened emotional state. In the past I have seen myself in a completely negative light and thought that something was wrong with me because I saw myself with these qualities: moodiness, pessimism, laziness, stupidity, unattractiveness….the list goes on and on. I knew I could never live up to her expectations because I was so different from her and I wished so badly to be more like her.
It’s taken me time but I don’t see myself all bad anymore. Sure, I might not be like my mother in many ways but that’s okay because I am my own person and I have many amazing qualities regardless. Weather or not she resents me for all of the things I have listed above, I don’t know but what I do know is that just because I am not more like my mom doesn’t mean I am a bad person and it doesn’t mean that I am a bad mother, daughter, fiancé…..etc. And after this long I have finally realized that my mom isn’t perfect either and she has many qualities that are negative as well. I just wish she didn’t put me in the same box that to her equals perfect or better even. I think it’s another example of how rigid her worldview is and how she shouldn’t compare apples to oranges.
I definitely resent her for some things as well but I am ready to let go of those negative feelings so that they stop holding me down and preventing me from living my life to the fullest, whatever that word means to me. I am curious what her answer to this homework assignment will be though because we have not budged since the initial fight. She has left and hasn’t been home for over a day now and is being very immature in her text message replies. It’s okay though because I am being the bigger person and am replying with nothing but kindness and love. What is that saying? “Kill them with kindness”, definitely very relevant in this specific situation and I know that eventually it will start to rub off. That and maybe she’ll realize that there’s a bigger picture here, instead of focusing narrowly on this particular situation, seeing how much more is at stake here and what really matters and what doesn’t. There are grandchildren involved now for Christ’s sake! Nothing much can compare to that in terms of level of importance. Perhaps she needs some time to understand that.