In Pursuit of a Lightness of Being

Life is slowly progressing, moving, seemingly in the right direction. There have been a few disagreements here or there but nothing major since the huge blowout we had in the end of last year. However, even though things have been slowly improving, I haven’t quite been able to get rid of this feeling of dread in myself, almost like a weight that is pulling me down from the inside. It’s like I can’t enjoy things fully, not really just enjoy them without a hint of sadness always there, always reminding me of past or even present pain.

I mentioned this to my therapist, even though I had a hard time trying to find the right words to describe what exactly I was feeling and she gave me hope, told me that I am not the only one who feels this way and actually said that it is quite common, at least amongst her clients. When I asked her what I can do to help myself break free from these emotional restraints, she said that I need to confront all the instances where I have ever felt sad, upset or any other kind of strong, negative emotion. Next, came the part that really opened my eyes, she told me that in order to be able to truly move on I have to allow myself to feel the emotions that these instances bring up in me, which undoubtedly were brought up when they were actually happening.

As human beings, we are really good at suppressing things deep inside and all that negative energy can manifest itself into different symptoms for each individual. For me, I find myself in a state of permanent emotional drainage and this in turn affects how much energy I have and how I am able to go through life. Because of all the mental pain that I always have, I lash out at my fiancé for the smallest things and make him the scapegoat for the psychological pain that I am enduring every moment of everyday. In the past I did this to my mom as well but since she is the root of the majority of where my psychological problems stem from, I have quickly learned that that just causes more problems and further psychological trauma and I have enough to deal with already. More then enough.

So, what I am trying to say is that for the unforeseeable future, I am dedicating this blog to aid me in my journey to heal and work past all my trauma that I have acquired in my 28 years that is obviously still holding me back from living my very best and meaningful life. I will be taking a very personal journey into the recesses of my mind and will be bringing up experiences that have molded me into the psychologically anxious person that I have become in order to then, feel it all over again (cry, scream…etc) so that in turn I can let it go and become free of it forever.